My Paint Shop skills are off da hook

Today’s (well, yesterday’s) douchebag is less about a rediculous bio and more of a story about why MLG is, as MudderFudder puts it, the worst thing to happen to gaming since Billy Mitchell.

I’ll get to MLG shortly after the break, but first I’ll tell you more about this douche; it’s good fun, I promise

* That statement may not be factually accurate

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I was playing Guitar Hero: Metallica with a buddy of mine yesterday at his place; we both had our profiles locked and loaded, and plowed through the campaign in a couple hours.

Since there’s not a whole lot of reason to play the campaign after you beat it (to my knowledge), we decided on a couple of friendly 2 vs 2 guitar matches. I thought once the matchmaking was complete that I slipped into the Halo 3 lobby from the sound of these guys.

I instantly wanted to kick their stupid, drawling faces in, but I remained cool for once. I also didn’t plug my mic in. Anyhow, when playing 2 vs 2, you and your teammate need to outscore the other during a song. You share a star power meter like in band play, so a lot of strategy is involved.

In this case, since Brad isn’t great at keeping a combo, I mentioned that he should NOT deploy his star power, and let me use all of it whilst I jammed out on bass. This strategy paid off, and we won the match by a mere 10’000 points. Close call, I would say, but I never expected the reaction from our new buddy, Moses:

“I can’t believe these guys won! Didn’t you see that? I had 4 combo for the whole song, and my star power wouldn’t go off! My star power didn’t work!”

I laughed, but remained in competitive mode. Since the online in this game sucks ass, they randomly select his OTHER teammate to select the next song, keeping the advantage to them.  They selected “One”.

They were winning through the whole song, until the heavy riff kicked in. “I kept 4 the whole time”, and sucked up all the juice. We ended up winning by 80’000.  Right after the match, my new friend yells out to his friend:

“I gotta go, I need to fix my star power!”

I couldn’t help myself at this point.  I HAD to send him a message, asking how he’s repairing his guitar so his STAR POWER will work.

Oh, my, God.

I guess he was thinking we played the song on Hard, and not Expert, which is the only reason we could EVER had won.

Seriously, Loco whups my ass at this game on a CONSISTENT basis. I know it, I may or may not even have a revenge plot in place about it. But what I could NEVER do is come up with an excuse as lame as this guy conjured up.

He sends me another message saying how I’m a fag and my bio is retarded, both while I’m playing Band Quickplay, since 2 vs 2 is in itself, retarded.

I wasn’t sure at this point if this guy was really XBL Douchebag material. After all, his bio at first glance was fairly timid. Oh, but look!

He's a douche! I knew it!

I KNEW he sounded like he played Halo! I bet he’s an expert at changing the default rules of the game to reflect his play style too!

Oh, how I love Major League Gaming.

I might be getting off track here, but out of the HUNDREDS of players I’ve encountered in the Halo titles, Gears of War and CoD, I don’t recall ANY of them being any good. Seriously, I have NEVER played an excellent player with “MLG” tagged to his pompous ass.

I assume, since I’m correct, that players that are truly excellent don’t need validation from a heavily advertised, discredited group to satisfy their egos.

Still, I thought “maybe I’m just being hard on this guy. Maybe he just had a bad day at Pizza Hut”.  (Shh, inside joke)

Until I fired up Halo 3 and happened to browse his File Share. This is when I decided to nominate IzI Moses IzI as SuperHighResolution’s newest member of XBL Douchebag’s growing family!

The list of awesome files include, but not limited to: 2v2iown, noscopenipe, domeshotnoscope, amazingbulltrue, and my favorite:

What's a DIME headshot? Oh, it's nothing, he just doesn't spell check himself.

Nice to go great lengths to get people to watch your movies for a 5 second clip. I’ll get right on that. I DID break down, out of pure curiosity on 2v2iown, and let me tell you: He OWNS these guys. I’m pretty sure the other team was a 40-year old dad with his weekend daughter, but as long as they keep running directly into this moron’s shotgun without firing, he’ll have many, many different angles to view his ownage.

If you’re reading this, oh MIGHTY IZI MOSES IZI, I formally challenge you to a game of Halo 3.  If I win, I will post the results here and on Halo 3′s file share. I’ll even make sure to play with MLG rules, since I AM sponsored by Dr. Pepper.* At which point, I will post several angles of you sucking at this game, and me teabagging you. Here’s an artist’s conception:

I really, really hope I get a chance to spank this kid, and I don't even play Halo anymore...

Until next time, friends! Be sure to send this young man a message about his broken guitar, he may need a paypal donation.

IzI Moses IzI

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